Hump Day.
   
        It sounds like a day devoted entirely to my parents dog "asserting his authority" on the people, pillows, and stuffed animals unfortunate enough to cross his path. Instead it's a lame colloquialism that supposedly makes the middle of the work-week more bearable. Personally, I'm cool with the good ol' Gregorian calendar's choice of "WÄ“dnes dæg" (the day of the English god Woden) or "Wednesday" to laypeople. I do, however, agree with the need to spice things up mid-week--especially since Boston's in a series with the Marlins-- so today I'm going to award some Red Sox players with superlatives based on game play, character, shoe size, and any other arbitrary or nonsensical quality that I find worthy.

        Most likely to sign a multimillion dollar endorsement deal: David Ortiz
Think VitaminWater has come calling to shoot some new commercials now that Papi’s got his groove back? Not quite. I envision Ben Stein personally ringing David's doorbell to invite the slugger aboard the Clear Eyes® franchise. Several sources reported June 8 that Ortiz received eye drops from an optometrist for "dry eyes" and in his next seven games the Red Sox DH raised his batting average 12 points, hit three homeruns, and notched six hits as well as six RBI.

Are these eye drops really responsible for Ortiz suddenly belting 95-96 mph fastballs off pitchers like A.J. Burnett and CC Sabathia after months of missing 89 mph meatballs? Better question: If Papi swung a baseball bat at Ben Stein would the actor actually emote? We may never know.

        Siblings most likely to put each other in headlocks at Thanksgiving: The Papelbons
Partial credit if you had guessed the Bard boys, but that answer might not be as obvious as many would think. When Daniel Bard's younger brother Luke was selected by the Red Sox in the 16th round of the 2009 MLB draft the elder expressed only pride at the news and touted Luke's talents: "Velocity-wise, he’s pretty similar. [...] He’s really athletic. He’s a football player, a quarterback, so he’s a little beefier than me at the same age. [...] It’s really cool."

Another reason the Pap's take this title is because it looks as though the younger Bard plans to accept his NCAA baseball scholarship to Georgia Tech. Though Jon is undisputedly the most talented in the Papelbon family, he has not one but two brothers currently working their way through the minors: Josh and Jeremy (Sox and Cubs respectively). I have to wonder if John and Sheila Papelbon aspired to produce the pitching version of the three MLB Molina boys. Regardless; they should all be neighbors. They could have the highest paid six-way long-toss in the history of backyard sports.
   
      Player who best defines the phrase "oldie but a goodie": Tim Wakefield
Sayings like "oldie but a goodie" annoy me the way that "hump day" does because they're about as useful to intelligent discussion as a driver's license currently is to Donte Stallworth. But with Wakefield it works. The veteran knuckleballer is being called the Sox' "most consistent starter this year" and affirmed this praise last night against the Marlins, throwing 93 pitches for just two runs on six hits. The outing not only earned him win number nine--tying young gun Beckett for Sox best--but solidified a 6-0 record and 3.23 ERA at Fenway.

Not bad for a guy who, to the MLB, is 42 going on forty-take-him-behind-the-barn-and-shoot-him-three. This superlative could go up for grabs later in the season in consideration of the equally geriatric John Smoltz. After pitching solidly in the minors it looks like the veteran is finally ready to join the Red Sox. If Smoltz' arm exceeds expectations and he rivals Wakefield for the title of The Elderly Elite then we might have to settle it in wheelchair wars. I'm anxious at the prospect.
   
        About as excited as a dog Wednesdaying a teddy bear.